Thursday, June 26, 2003
The Corporate Caste system - Part I
Quick! Try and fit careers to the following descriptions. A shabby individual clad in a stiff, starched kurta, a jhola slung across one shoulder, with a notepad in hand over which a pen is constantly hovering.
A neat, white-shirt, black-trouser, red tie clad young man with a large, black leather, carrying case in his hand. A lanky, French-bearded, t-shirt and torn jeans clad individual with an assortment of junk jewellery covering his body and an attitude that clangs louder than all of them put together.
If you guessed these individuals to be a journalist, a sales-person and a copywriter respectively, then I must commend you on your astute observation skills!
But don’t pat yourself on your back just yet. These are simple stereotypes which most of us are familiar with. Thanks to the abundance of specimens we get to meet in our day-to-day lives and the hype generated by the media, most of us have developed an uncanny knack of identifying and conveniently slotting people into various career pigeonholes. Stereotypes that we come across; identify and slot enable us to lead reasonably predictable lives in an otherwise chaotic world.
They also become an avenue for self-amusement. You must admit that sitting at a table in a restaurant, peering at everyone who enters and pondering over their occupational preferences (or the lack thereof) does make for an entertaining evening!
But attempting to do the same with the species that populate the modern-day enterprise is altogether a different thing. For the media is yet to invade the hallowed portals of most corporate entities due to which, these creatures have defied classification of any sort. They roam within their glass and steel edifices, drinking coffee, looking busy and pretending to work, safe in the knowledge that they cannot be ‘slotted’ like other less fortunate professionals can.
Till now that is! For here lies a guide to identifying the slippery corporate creature – specie, phylum, class and all! While by no means comprehensive, this is a list that has been compiled after years spent in painstaking (and one might even say painfully boring) observation of the creatures that haunt corporates. For your convenience, these stereotypes have been classified according to their ‘corporate status’ and the descriptions pertain more to their characteristics than their dressing sense. Anyone who’s been in a corporation knows that everyone there, without exception, dresses in stuffy blacks and whites!
My-life-sucks class
Let’s begin with the bottom rung of every corporate – employees who actually manage to get some work done and contribute to the overall growth and development of the company. Since they are too lowly to even acknowledge, they don’t really deserve any sub-classifications. They are all one homogeneous group of clerks and form the vast majority of any corporate entity.
These lowly creatures can be readily identified by several external symptoms like bad posture, repetitive stress disorder, perennially scowling faces and a disgruntled approach towards life itself. They are paid peanuts; swamped with work all the time and generally treated like bonded labourers. Another clue to identification is the vocal and often incessant cribbing that they are fond of indulging in. This is probably the only respite they have in their otherwise dull and drab lives. Members of this class often live, work and retire at this level, and have no hope in hell of ever making it out to a higher class. Sheesh!
I-am-getting-there class
The next class in the corporate hierarchy consists of the I-am-getting-there class of creatures. They constitute the second-largest group of employees and are slightly better paid, slightly less-harassed and acknowledged to the extent of being distinguishable from the ‘my-life-sucks’ class. They are the executives of the company and can broadly be classified into three distinct sub-groups.
Brown-nosers
The brown-nosers are the sub-group who take their classification very literally. Since they know they belong to the I-am-getting-there class and are further willing to adopt any means to achieve that end, they end-up adopting the simplest way. They become yes-men! These creatures can be found agreeing with any and all decisions of the higher classes and suffer from serious nodding-the-head and nose-to-the-ground syndromes. As a result of their remarkable yes-manship, they often make their way to the higher echelons of the corporate.
Creepers
The creepers are those creatures who have the aspirations of the brown-nosers without any actual ability to realise them. Since they often claim to (and in some cases actually do!) have an ego, they are unable to stoop as low and as often as the brown-nosers. They make up for this by attaching themselves to specific projects or people and creeping their way up the corporate grapevine. Oh! They also keep track of any or all company gossip due to their position in the organisation structure.
Blind followers
The third and final sub-group are the blind followers. They blindly follow the orders of the higher-ups and aim to get in their good books. They have no other skills save excellent implementation capacity, which make them the most detested within their class. For the higher classes, the blind followers are a reliable bunch of efficient robots.
There are two more classes – the ‘I-want-my-ESOP class’ and the ‘Head-honcho class’ – about whom we will know more in the next part of this article. For one thing, they are literally a class apart and deserve their own moment of glory. And frankly, if you were a head-honcho, would you ever condescend to appear in the same write-up that carries information about your slaves… err… employees?!
Quick! Try and fit careers to the following descriptions. A shabby individual clad in a stiff, starched kurta, a jhola slung across one shoulder, with a notepad in hand over which a pen is constantly hovering.
A neat, white-shirt, black-trouser, red tie clad young man with a large, black leather, carrying case in his hand. A lanky, French-bearded, t-shirt and torn jeans clad individual with an assortment of junk jewellery covering his body and an attitude that clangs louder than all of them put together.
If you guessed these individuals to be a journalist, a sales-person and a copywriter respectively, then I must commend you on your astute observation skills!
But don’t pat yourself on your back just yet. These are simple stereotypes which most of us are familiar with. Thanks to the abundance of specimens we get to meet in our day-to-day lives and the hype generated by the media, most of us have developed an uncanny knack of identifying and conveniently slotting people into various career pigeonholes. Stereotypes that we come across; identify and slot enable us to lead reasonably predictable lives in an otherwise chaotic world.
They also become an avenue for self-amusement. You must admit that sitting at a table in a restaurant, peering at everyone who enters and pondering over their occupational preferences (or the lack thereof) does make for an entertaining evening!
But attempting to do the same with the species that populate the modern-day enterprise is altogether a different thing. For the media is yet to invade the hallowed portals of most corporate entities due to which, these creatures have defied classification of any sort. They roam within their glass and steel edifices, drinking coffee, looking busy and pretending to work, safe in the knowledge that they cannot be ‘slotted’ like other less fortunate professionals can.
Till now that is! For here lies a guide to identifying the slippery corporate creature – specie, phylum, class and all! While by no means comprehensive, this is a list that has been compiled after years spent in painstaking (and one might even say painfully boring) observation of the creatures that haunt corporates. For your convenience, these stereotypes have been classified according to their ‘corporate status’ and the descriptions pertain more to their characteristics than their dressing sense. Anyone who’s been in a corporation knows that everyone there, without exception, dresses in stuffy blacks and whites!
My-life-sucks class
Let’s begin with the bottom rung of every corporate – employees who actually manage to get some work done and contribute to the overall growth and development of the company. Since they are too lowly to even acknowledge, they don’t really deserve any sub-classifications. They are all one homogeneous group of clerks and form the vast majority of any corporate entity.
These lowly creatures can be readily identified by several external symptoms like bad posture, repetitive stress disorder, perennially scowling faces and a disgruntled approach towards life itself. They are paid peanuts; swamped with work all the time and generally treated like bonded labourers. Another clue to identification is the vocal and often incessant cribbing that they are fond of indulging in. This is probably the only respite they have in their otherwise dull and drab lives. Members of this class often live, work and retire at this level, and have no hope in hell of ever making it out to a higher class. Sheesh!
I-am-getting-there class
The next class in the corporate hierarchy consists of the I-am-getting-there class of creatures. They constitute the second-largest group of employees and are slightly better paid, slightly less-harassed and acknowledged to the extent of being distinguishable from the ‘my-life-sucks’ class. They are the executives of the company and can broadly be classified into three distinct sub-groups.
Brown-nosers
The brown-nosers are the sub-group who take their classification very literally. Since they know they belong to the I-am-getting-there class and are further willing to adopt any means to achieve that end, they end-up adopting the simplest way. They become yes-men! These creatures can be found agreeing with any and all decisions of the higher classes and suffer from serious nodding-the-head and nose-to-the-ground syndromes. As a result of their remarkable yes-manship, they often make their way to the higher echelons of the corporate.
Creepers
The creepers are those creatures who have the aspirations of the brown-nosers without any actual ability to realise them. Since they often claim to (and in some cases actually do!) have an ego, they are unable to stoop as low and as often as the brown-nosers. They make up for this by attaching themselves to specific projects or people and creeping their way up the corporate grapevine. Oh! They also keep track of any or all company gossip due to their position in the organisation structure.
Blind followers
The third and final sub-group are the blind followers. They blindly follow the orders of the higher-ups and aim to get in their good books. They have no other skills save excellent implementation capacity, which make them the most detested within their class. For the higher classes, the blind followers are a reliable bunch of efficient robots.
There are two more classes – the ‘I-want-my-ESOP class’ and the ‘Head-honcho class’ – about whom we will know more in the next part of this article. For one thing, they are literally a class apart and deserve their own moment of glory. And frankly, if you were a head-honcho, would you ever condescend to appear in the same write-up that carries information about your slaves… err… employees?!
Sunday, June 22, 2003
12 days to a brand new job!
OK! You’ve finally had it with your workplace. Not only do you feel like Bilbo the clown, you are actually treated that way! You colleagues are brown-nosers who laugh at you behind your back (and sometimes even at your face!), your boss is a sadistic gargoyle who revels in making your life miserable and your take-home pay pales in significance when you realise that your garbage man makes a whole lot more! Suddenly you crave the carefree freedom of your jobless days and begin hating the fact that your entire life has been forcibly spent in front of a monitor.
Unfortunately, you soon break out of this train of thought. Your bills will still need to be paid, and no! Your landlord does not accept payment in kind. What would you offer him anyway? You type morosely for a while before an idea enters your head and gives you the clarity you have been desperately seeking. You don’t have to be Bilbo the clown anymore! And No. You don’t have to spend the rest of your days on the pavement peddling cheap plastic household items either!! You can actually chuck your present job and get another, better-paying, more fulfilling one!
Once this idea takes root in your head, you suddenly find the courage to face the world with pride. Those pathetic brown-nosers will have to stay in their putrid jobs all their lives while you can bask in the conducive environment of a brand-new job. That gargoyle boss of yours can find someone else to harass while you can start off on the right foot with your new boss. And the pay – with your qualifications and experience, you can demand a pay on par with the best in the industry and prove a point to your garbage man.
With all these pleasant thoughts in mind, you hum a tune and start emptying the contents of your desk into a cardboard box. You’re going to make a clean break with this bunch of losers and begin your professional life afresh. If you agree with me so far, the next week will probably enact itself on the following lines:
DAY ONE
You’ve finally cleared your desk out and have also flicked sufficient office supplies to enable you to open a small-scale stationery store. You spend the rest of the day making back-ups of all your personal data, free software downloads and that unfinished novel that you were working on. Oh! While at it, you also remember to erase that copy of Quake III that you had on your computer. No point making leaving all the goodies behind for the next user! Next, you sit down to draft that all-important resignation letter and print it out. (Note: It would be a good idea to leave-out all the things you want to say if you’re looking for a reference from your present boss!) Once this is done, you run a quick search for all the dll files on your system and press Ctrl + Delete!
DAY TWO
You show-up late to work. You remember to saunter in casually as opposed to your usual harried entry. Seeing the gargoyle glaring at you, you walk up to him and look him right into the eye. (You’ve never done this before and are surprised that he has limpid brown pupils!) You continue looking into his eyes while he chews your head off! After he finishing fuming, you casually reach into your back pocket and fish out the resignation letter and hand it to him. You stop for a while, savour the look on his face and slowly turning around, walk off into the sunset. (Note: I got a little carried away there. You need not walk away into the sunset!)
DAY THREE
You wake-up with a start and panic upon realising that it is already 10 am! Then, you suddenly remember that you no longer have a job and slink back into bed to grab another forty winks. When you wake-up again, it is 2 pm. You fix yourself a leisurely brunch and sit down with the newspaper to catch up on your reading. You casually browse through the help-wanted ads and realise that there are a lot of openings for garbage men. Flinging the paper aside, you watch some putrid soap on television for a while and then get back to bed.
DAY FOUR
You wake-up with a start and discover to your joy that it is only 8 am! You quickly complete your ablutions and armed with your documents and the ‘Opportunities’ section of the newspaper, you begin your job hunt. The first three places you stop by have already hired someone. The concerned person at the fourth place is travelling. There is no fifth place. A little dejected, you wander around town for a while before hitting the good old watering hole and staying till closing time.
DAY FIVE
You wake-up with a start and realise that this is getting to be an annoying habit. Since the opportunities section was no great help, you decide to shift your search to the online world. You make your way to the Cyber Café only to discover that you have taken a back up of every imaginable document, with the sole exception of your resume. You spend the whole day trying to create a killer resume. On your way back home you stop by at the bank and sadly note the critically low balance. You ponder the meaning of life.
DAY SIX
You wake-up with a start and firmly resolve that you are never going to wake up with a start ever again. You get back to the net centre and register on all the job sites. You even create an e-mail ID for this specific purpose. You upload your resume with joyous abandon. Discovering an online directory of Career Consultants, you e-mail you resume willy-nilly to all of them only to discover that they operate only in Southern Gambia! You continue your cyber job search by googling for ‘Job Opportunities in India’.
DAY SEVEN
You wake up and realise that you’ll have to get a job soon. Grabbing your little black book, you call all your friends, acquaintances and everyone else. You even call your pompous Uncle and plead for a job. Melting to your entreaties, he promises to keep his eyes peeled. You check your career e-mail ID to discover zero messages staring at your sorry face.
DAY EIGHT
You don’t wake up because you haven’t gone to bed. Each time you tried to sleep you had horrible visions of being strangled by your rental, water and electricity bills, so you stayed awake. Bleary eyed and grumpy, you make your way to the Cyber Centre and joyfully discover that you have one unread message! You open it only to discover that it is an offer from Garbage Inc.! You angrily move the message to the Trash Can and laugh at the aptness of your action!
DAY NINE
You spend the whole day pondering over your miserable existence.
DAY TEN
You ponder some more. Than you make your way to several commercial complexes and cold-call for jobs. There are no jobs available, and the ones that are pay peanuts. You hit the watering hole once again to stay till closing time.
DAY ELEVEN
You wake up with a horrible hangover. You sit in the middle of the bed to contemplate. You contemplate. You contemplate some more. Finally, tiring of contemplation, you drag yourself into the bathroom to freshen up. You dress up, gather your documents and decide to swallow your pride and go back to beg for your old job. The phone rings. It’s your pompous uncle who has a job for you! In your excitement, you don’t ask what the job is, how much it pays etc. You thank him profusely, whoop with joy and begin humming a tune as you iron your clothes.
DAY TWELVE
You stand in front of the gate of ‘Acme Mechanised Cleaning Corporation’. This is where your uncle has found a job for you. You sigh over the unfairness of life and walk-in. Your new boss is an even bigger gargoyle, the pay worse. And worst of all, you report to your garbage man, who, because of first hand experience in the cleaning industry for the past many years, is three rungs above you in the hierarchy!
So, twelve days and loads of angst later, you end up worse off than you started. Recession, the unemployed hordes and the sagging state of the economy doomed your quest from the very beginning. But, by some warped chance, you do end-up better off than you started, try not to look astonished. And remember, this time around, not to put in your papers before you land another job!
OK! You’ve finally had it with your workplace. Not only do you feel like Bilbo the clown, you are actually treated that way! You colleagues are brown-nosers who laugh at you behind your back (and sometimes even at your face!), your boss is a sadistic gargoyle who revels in making your life miserable and your take-home pay pales in significance when you realise that your garbage man makes a whole lot more! Suddenly you crave the carefree freedom of your jobless days and begin hating the fact that your entire life has been forcibly spent in front of a monitor.
Unfortunately, you soon break out of this train of thought. Your bills will still need to be paid, and no! Your landlord does not accept payment in kind. What would you offer him anyway? You type morosely for a while before an idea enters your head and gives you the clarity you have been desperately seeking. You don’t have to be Bilbo the clown anymore! And No. You don’t have to spend the rest of your days on the pavement peddling cheap plastic household items either!! You can actually chuck your present job and get another, better-paying, more fulfilling one!
Once this idea takes root in your head, you suddenly find the courage to face the world with pride. Those pathetic brown-nosers will have to stay in their putrid jobs all their lives while you can bask in the conducive environment of a brand-new job. That gargoyle boss of yours can find someone else to harass while you can start off on the right foot with your new boss. And the pay – with your qualifications and experience, you can demand a pay on par with the best in the industry and prove a point to your garbage man.
With all these pleasant thoughts in mind, you hum a tune and start emptying the contents of your desk into a cardboard box. You’re going to make a clean break with this bunch of losers and begin your professional life afresh. If you agree with me so far, the next week will probably enact itself on the following lines:
DAY ONE
You’ve finally cleared your desk out and have also flicked sufficient office supplies to enable you to open a small-scale stationery store. You spend the rest of the day making back-ups of all your personal data, free software downloads and that unfinished novel that you were working on. Oh! While at it, you also remember to erase that copy of Quake III that you had on your computer. No point making leaving all the goodies behind for the next user! Next, you sit down to draft that all-important resignation letter and print it out. (Note: It would be a good idea to leave-out all the things you want to say if you’re looking for a reference from your present boss!) Once this is done, you run a quick search for all the dll files on your system and press Ctrl + Delete!
DAY TWO
You show-up late to work. You remember to saunter in casually as opposed to your usual harried entry. Seeing the gargoyle glaring at you, you walk up to him and look him right into the eye. (You’ve never done this before and are surprised that he has limpid brown pupils!) You continue looking into his eyes while he chews your head off! After he finishing fuming, you casually reach into your back pocket and fish out the resignation letter and hand it to him. You stop for a while, savour the look on his face and slowly turning around, walk off into the sunset. (Note: I got a little carried away there. You need not walk away into the sunset!)
DAY THREE
You wake-up with a start and panic upon realising that it is already 10 am! Then, you suddenly remember that you no longer have a job and slink back into bed to grab another forty winks. When you wake-up again, it is 2 pm. You fix yourself a leisurely brunch and sit down with the newspaper to catch up on your reading. You casually browse through the help-wanted ads and realise that there are a lot of openings for garbage men. Flinging the paper aside, you watch some putrid soap on television for a while and then get back to bed.
DAY FOUR
You wake-up with a start and discover to your joy that it is only 8 am! You quickly complete your ablutions and armed with your documents and the ‘Opportunities’ section of the newspaper, you begin your job hunt. The first three places you stop by have already hired someone. The concerned person at the fourth place is travelling. There is no fifth place. A little dejected, you wander around town for a while before hitting the good old watering hole and staying till closing time.
DAY FIVE
You wake-up with a start and realise that this is getting to be an annoying habit. Since the opportunities section was no great help, you decide to shift your search to the online world. You make your way to the Cyber Café only to discover that you have taken a back up of every imaginable document, with the sole exception of your resume. You spend the whole day trying to create a killer resume. On your way back home you stop by at the bank and sadly note the critically low balance. You ponder the meaning of life.
DAY SIX
You wake-up with a start and firmly resolve that you are never going to wake up with a start ever again. You get back to the net centre and register on all the job sites. You even create an e-mail ID for this specific purpose. You upload your resume with joyous abandon. Discovering an online directory of Career Consultants, you e-mail you resume willy-nilly to all of them only to discover that they operate only in Southern Gambia! You continue your cyber job search by googling for ‘Job Opportunities in India’.
DAY SEVEN
You wake up and realise that you’ll have to get a job soon. Grabbing your little black book, you call all your friends, acquaintances and everyone else. You even call your pompous Uncle and plead for a job. Melting to your entreaties, he promises to keep his eyes peeled. You check your career e-mail ID to discover zero messages staring at your sorry face.
DAY EIGHT
You don’t wake up because you haven’t gone to bed. Each time you tried to sleep you had horrible visions of being strangled by your rental, water and electricity bills, so you stayed awake. Bleary eyed and grumpy, you make your way to the Cyber Centre and joyfully discover that you have one unread message! You open it only to discover that it is an offer from Garbage Inc.! You angrily move the message to the Trash Can and laugh at the aptness of your action!
DAY NINE
You spend the whole day pondering over your miserable existence.
DAY TEN
You ponder some more. Than you make your way to several commercial complexes and cold-call for jobs. There are no jobs available, and the ones that are pay peanuts. You hit the watering hole once again to stay till closing time.
DAY ELEVEN
You wake up with a horrible hangover. You sit in the middle of the bed to contemplate. You contemplate. You contemplate some more. Finally, tiring of contemplation, you drag yourself into the bathroom to freshen up. You dress up, gather your documents and decide to swallow your pride and go back to beg for your old job. The phone rings. It’s your pompous uncle who has a job for you! In your excitement, you don’t ask what the job is, how much it pays etc. You thank him profusely, whoop with joy and begin humming a tune as you iron your clothes.
DAY TWELVE
You stand in front of the gate of ‘Acme Mechanised Cleaning Corporation’. This is where your uncle has found a job for you. You sigh over the unfairness of life and walk-in. Your new boss is an even bigger gargoyle, the pay worse. And worst of all, you report to your garbage man, who, because of first hand experience in the cleaning industry for the past many years, is three rungs above you in the hierarchy!
So, twelve days and loads of angst later, you end up worse off than you started. Recession, the unemployed hordes and the sagging state of the economy doomed your quest from the very beginning. But, by some warped chance, you do end-up better off than you started, try not to look astonished. And remember, this time around, not to put in your papers before you land another job!
What separates boss-men from the boys?
Ever wondered why you slink into office each day while your bosses stride like they owned the place? (OK. In some cases, bosses may actually own the place, but that is scarcely the point I am trying to make!) Ever wondered why you bend over to greet your bosses while they pass by not just ignoring your presence, but not even making an effort to acknowledge it? Ever wonder why you spend your entire life kowtowing and pretending to work while they spend all their time being kowtowed to and pretending to work?
At some point in your miserable professional life, you must have pondered these points and wondered about the difference. True! Your bosses have those framed diplomas from Harvard. True! They also have the backing of an exclusive family name and a middle name to boot. They may also have a ‘boss-look’ about them, which manifests itself in the form of silver hair or even sparkling-white teeth. But is that all it takes to enjoy a life of prestige, power and wealth while you struggle with back-breaking work, abuses and penury?
Once you’ve ceased seething over the unfairness of it all, stop for a while and carefully observe your bosses. In addition to any or all of the above ‘qualifications’ they also have an aura about them. This is an aura that comes by the means of carrying a host of technological gizmos and toys on their person, in their pockets, in their briefcase etc. They are blessed with a technological ‘aura’ – if one may term it so.
If you don’t believe me, just check it out. You are the poor, sweaty soul who goes out in the hot sun for all client meetings. You are the one who has to carry dozens of floppies and CDs with all sorts of information with you. You are the one who needs to actually implement all the strategies dished down from above. But what do you get to work on? The humble, out-dated desktop PC.
Your boss on the other hand sits comfortably in an air-conditioned office the whole day. Even his lunch is delivered within the hallowed walls of his cabin. The Venetian blinds on the door conceal the fact that he spends more time playing golf on his plush Persian carpet. And what does he get to work on? A state-of-the-art, P4, 100 GB, 256 MB RAM laptop! With a built-in 52 X CD-writer, phenomenal graphics capability and a sound card at that! He probably uses it to play solitaire when he is bored!
The discrimination doesn’t stop here! You are the one who is constantly on the phone with clients, suppliers, vendors and myriad other people who call you at all odd times of the day to bore you to death with their petty and irritating problems or queries. You are the one who has to deal with abusive vendors who are still to get their dues. And you are expected to do all this through the ancient, brick-sized cell phone that the company has benevolently granted you. Each time you raise it to your ear, your body tilts to one side and the only positive benefit it has had on your health is the development of some formidable biceps on your left upper-arm!
Your boss on the other had gets to use the latest Nokia innovation that comes equipped with a digital camera, an MP3 player, a fax machine, a digital printer, Internet-readiness and god knows what else. And the only time you have actually seen him use it was to call his wife at home to hear his one-year-old gurgle in glee!
That’s not all! The rapid strides that technology has been making has further widened the gap between the boss-boys and the rest of us. Take the instance of the myriad reports and documents you have to slog through on a daily basis. You’ve typed so many out that the keys on your keyboard have practically worn off. And the tips of your fingers have developed pads to cope with the daily battering they endure. But you still have to go through this exercise each time you are asked to compile anything.
Your boss on the other hand has just enhanced his aforementioned laptop with some fabulously expensive voice recognition software that he doesn’t need and better still has not figured out how to use! A memo that he recently sent out read as follows:
Greetings employees! No I sound like some sort of mini-potentate people might get the rong impression computer delete the last line computer continue I wanted to take this opportunity to thank ewe all for the excellent know that is a bit too much praise computer delete excellent and replace with good computer continue work that you have dun on the XYZ project damn I told that moronic secretry to hold all my calls damn this fone is irritatin me oh shit the computer is typing all this computer delete all words from damn to damn computer continue where was I yes congratulations to ewe all and kip up the good work computer skip line computer continue best wishes computer skip line computer skip another line computer sign name phew
So there! Get hold of all the latest gizmos, equip yourself with radical new inventions and you too will go far into the echelons of management. But be careful! Don’t do this in your present lowly level. A boss-boy who spots you might just develop the impression that you’re paid way too much and decide to slash you already pathetic salary. Bide your time. And like they say, all good things will come to a pass!
Ever wondered why you slink into office each day while your bosses stride like they owned the place? (OK. In some cases, bosses may actually own the place, but that is scarcely the point I am trying to make!) Ever wondered why you bend over to greet your bosses while they pass by not just ignoring your presence, but not even making an effort to acknowledge it? Ever wonder why you spend your entire life kowtowing and pretending to work while they spend all their time being kowtowed to and pretending to work?
At some point in your miserable professional life, you must have pondered these points and wondered about the difference. True! Your bosses have those framed diplomas from Harvard. True! They also have the backing of an exclusive family name and a middle name to boot. They may also have a ‘boss-look’ about them, which manifests itself in the form of silver hair or even sparkling-white teeth. But is that all it takes to enjoy a life of prestige, power and wealth while you struggle with back-breaking work, abuses and penury?
Once you’ve ceased seething over the unfairness of it all, stop for a while and carefully observe your bosses. In addition to any or all of the above ‘qualifications’ they also have an aura about them. This is an aura that comes by the means of carrying a host of technological gizmos and toys on their person, in their pockets, in their briefcase etc. They are blessed with a technological ‘aura’ – if one may term it so.
If you don’t believe me, just check it out. You are the poor, sweaty soul who goes out in the hot sun for all client meetings. You are the one who has to carry dozens of floppies and CDs with all sorts of information with you. You are the one who needs to actually implement all the strategies dished down from above. But what do you get to work on? The humble, out-dated desktop PC.
Your boss on the other hand sits comfortably in an air-conditioned office the whole day. Even his lunch is delivered within the hallowed walls of his cabin. The Venetian blinds on the door conceal the fact that he spends more time playing golf on his plush Persian carpet. And what does he get to work on? A state-of-the-art, P4, 100 GB, 256 MB RAM laptop! With a built-in 52 X CD-writer, phenomenal graphics capability and a sound card at that! He probably uses it to play solitaire when he is bored!
The discrimination doesn’t stop here! You are the one who is constantly on the phone with clients, suppliers, vendors and myriad other people who call you at all odd times of the day to bore you to death with their petty and irritating problems or queries. You are the one who has to deal with abusive vendors who are still to get their dues. And you are expected to do all this through the ancient, brick-sized cell phone that the company has benevolently granted you. Each time you raise it to your ear, your body tilts to one side and the only positive benefit it has had on your health is the development of some formidable biceps on your left upper-arm!
Your boss on the other had gets to use the latest Nokia innovation that comes equipped with a digital camera, an MP3 player, a fax machine, a digital printer, Internet-readiness and god knows what else. And the only time you have actually seen him use it was to call his wife at home to hear his one-year-old gurgle in glee!
That’s not all! The rapid strides that technology has been making has further widened the gap between the boss-boys and the rest of us. Take the instance of the myriad reports and documents you have to slog through on a daily basis. You’ve typed so many out that the keys on your keyboard have practically worn off. And the tips of your fingers have developed pads to cope with the daily battering they endure. But you still have to go through this exercise each time you are asked to compile anything.
Your boss on the other hand has just enhanced his aforementioned laptop with some fabulously expensive voice recognition software that he doesn’t need and better still has not figured out how to use! A memo that he recently sent out read as follows:
Greetings employees! No I sound like some sort of mini-potentate people might get the rong impression computer delete the last line computer continue I wanted to take this opportunity to thank ewe all for the excellent know that is a bit too much praise computer delete excellent and replace with good computer continue work that you have dun on the XYZ project damn I told that moronic secretry to hold all my calls damn this fone is irritatin me oh shit the computer is typing all this computer delete all words from damn to damn computer continue where was I yes congratulations to ewe all and kip up the good work computer skip line computer continue best wishes computer skip line computer skip another line computer sign name phew
So there! Get hold of all the latest gizmos, equip yourself with radical new inventions and you too will go far into the echelons of management. But be careful! Don’t do this in your present lowly level. A boss-boy who spots you might just develop the impression that you’re paid way too much and decide to slash you already pathetic salary. Bide your time. And like they say, all good things will come to a pass!
Performance appraisal – reading between the lines!
It’s that time of the year again! Finally, you find yourself sitting in front of your boss to discuss what you’ve been hoping, will make that much-needed difference to your life and put that dream house within your reach. Yes! We are talking ‘performance appraisal’ here. And there’s no better way to deal with it except to be fully prepared.
But don’t go around making any down payments for all those dinky gadgets and cars you’ve been eying for a while now! A performance appraisal is just what it claims to be. A ‘performance’ appraisal! Whatever gave you the idea that there was any money involved in the whole thing? In fact, if the truth be told, every performance appraisal is a ploy by the management to reduce fixed costs. And they have their own way to go about it without appearing to be the skinflints that they are!
If you ever get your hands on a performance appraisal form (and there’s no chance in hell that this is ever likely to happen! These documents are more closely guarded than the company’s entire budget for the next five years!!), you can be sure that you see some innocuous words therein. But don’t let appearances fool you. HR Managers use their own devilish code to communicate within a closed group. The following glossary will enlighten you what these ‘innocuous’ terms can often mean.
Outstanding
Employee hasn’t really committed any major blunders till date. He’s lucky and should probably be put on the fast track towards management.
Very Good
Has only two goof-ups to his credit, one of which involved making an absolute fool of himself at the office party.
Average
Employee is able to get his work done with a lot of supervision and occasional help from his brighter colleagues.
Fair
Not too bright employee. Needs a rude shock to wake him up and a substantial cut in salary might be a good means to achieve that.
Bad
Is stupid. If left unsupervised, is likely to cause self and others in the vicinity serious harm. Needs supervision to use the Xerox machine. Must never be left alone with something as complicated as the coffee machine.
Valuable employee
Employee turns in work on time. Doesn’t crib beyond normal and doesn’t make any demands.
Excellent communicator
The employee is actually capable of stringing individual words together to make a comprehensible sentence. He also uses multi-syllabic words at times.
Has unlimited potential
Employee will stay with the company till he retires of unexpectedly dies. Small carrots offered at regular intervals will keep him happy.
Happy
Employee smiles a lot and is probably under-worked and over-paid or demented. No one in their sane minds can ever be happy with the disproportionate work and pay equation we offer.
Has a keen sense of humour
Knows a lot of dirty jokes. Has occasionally brightened office atmosphere with a couple of off-coloured jokes.
Takes pride in work
Is a conceited brown-noser who has a tendency to be irritatingly correct most of the time.
Demonstrates leadership potential
Has a loud voice and aggressive bearing, both of which he spares no opportunity to display.
Very creative
Is exceptionally good at making plausible sounding excuses. Has taken leave on 27 different occasions and has not repeated a single excuse!
Resourceful
Is an expert at delegating work while seemingly occupied with work himself.
Tactful in dealing with superiors
Knows his limits. Especially obedient when being reprimanded by bosses. Has real potential to serve as a scapegoat for management.
Maintains a professional attitude
Employee is a snob and a pain in the wrong place. Actually comes from a family where three generations have been educated. Uses a middle name.
Socially active
Employee is an alcoholic and is promiscuous to boot!
Shows promise
Employee is related to senior member of management.
Shows concern for company
Employee is the official company gossip. Is a permanent standee at the water-cooler. Keenly follows all happenings in the professional and personal affairs of his colleagues.
Keen Analyst
Employee is thoroughly confused and spends too much time trying to extricate himself from self-created mess.
Principled
Employee is stubborn.
Adjustable
Employee is a coward and can be pushed around by anyone in the company. Even ex-employees have been known to come back just to harass him.
Unusually loyal
Employee has nowhere else to go. Do you seriously think anyone else would even consider hiring him?
So the next time you hear your HR Manager commending someone for being a valuable employee, you know exactly what he means! But be careful not to smile knowingly at your newfound knowledge. You just might be branded a ‘happy’ employee!
It’s that time of the year again! Finally, you find yourself sitting in front of your boss to discuss what you’ve been hoping, will make that much-needed difference to your life and put that dream house within your reach. Yes! We are talking ‘performance appraisal’ here. And there’s no better way to deal with it except to be fully prepared.
But don’t go around making any down payments for all those dinky gadgets and cars you’ve been eying for a while now! A performance appraisal is just what it claims to be. A ‘performance’ appraisal! Whatever gave you the idea that there was any money involved in the whole thing? In fact, if the truth be told, every performance appraisal is a ploy by the management to reduce fixed costs. And they have their own way to go about it without appearing to be the skinflints that they are!
If you ever get your hands on a performance appraisal form (and there’s no chance in hell that this is ever likely to happen! These documents are more closely guarded than the company’s entire budget for the next five years!!), you can be sure that you see some innocuous words therein. But don’t let appearances fool you. HR Managers use their own devilish code to communicate within a closed group. The following glossary will enlighten you what these ‘innocuous’ terms can often mean.
Outstanding
Employee hasn’t really committed any major blunders till date. He’s lucky and should probably be put on the fast track towards management.
Very Good
Has only two goof-ups to his credit, one of which involved making an absolute fool of himself at the office party.
Average
Employee is able to get his work done with a lot of supervision and occasional help from his brighter colleagues.
Fair
Not too bright employee. Needs a rude shock to wake him up and a substantial cut in salary might be a good means to achieve that.
Bad
Is stupid. If left unsupervised, is likely to cause self and others in the vicinity serious harm. Needs supervision to use the Xerox machine. Must never be left alone with something as complicated as the coffee machine.
Valuable employee
Employee turns in work on time. Doesn’t crib beyond normal and doesn’t make any demands.
Excellent communicator
The employee is actually capable of stringing individual words together to make a comprehensible sentence. He also uses multi-syllabic words at times.
Has unlimited potential
Employee will stay with the company till he retires of unexpectedly dies. Small carrots offered at regular intervals will keep him happy.
Happy
Employee smiles a lot and is probably under-worked and over-paid or demented. No one in their sane minds can ever be happy with the disproportionate work and pay equation we offer.
Has a keen sense of humour
Knows a lot of dirty jokes. Has occasionally brightened office atmosphere with a couple of off-coloured jokes.
Takes pride in work
Is a conceited brown-noser who has a tendency to be irritatingly correct most of the time.
Demonstrates leadership potential
Has a loud voice and aggressive bearing, both of which he spares no opportunity to display.
Very creative
Is exceptionally good at making plausible sounding excuses. Has taken leave on 27 different occasions and has not repeated a single excuse!
Resourceful
Is an expert at delegating work while seemingly occupied with work himself.
Tactful in dealing with superiors
Knows his limits. Especially obedient when being reprimanded by bosses. Has real potential to serve as a scapegoat for management.
Maintains a professional attitude
Employee is a snob and a pain in the wrong place. Actually comes from a family where three generations have been educated. Uses a middle name.
Socially active
Employee is an alcoholic and is promiscuous to boot!
Shows promise
Employee is related to senior member of management.
Shows concern for company
Employee is the official company gossip. Is a permanent standee at the water-cooler. Keenly follows all happenings in the professional and personal affairs of his colleagues.
Keen Analyst
Employee is thoroughly confused and spends too much time trying to extricate himself from self-created mess.
Principled
Employee is stubborn.
Adjustable
Employee is a coward and can be pushed around by anyone in the company. Even ex-employees have been known to come back just to harass him.
Unusually loyal
Employee has nowhere else to go. Do you seriously think anyone else would even consider hiring him?
So the next time you hear your HR Manager commending someone for being a valuable employee, you know exactly what he means! But be careful not to smile knowingly at your newfound knowledge. You just might be branded a ‘happy’ employee!
Unleash magnetic infrastructures – Jargonise!
Have you ever had an opportunity to go out with your boss for a lunch session? Probably not! Bosses don’t like to be seen in the company of those who earn much less than them! But if by some fluke chance – especially if your boss was in a caffeine induced haze or if the senior management suddenly declared an internal ‘Spend-time-with-the-underlings day’ – you do get to go out for lunch with him, then carefully observe his actions; and especially his words!
First and foremost, you will notice that your boss chatters nineteen-to-the-dozen about stuff that has no bearing whatsoever to your job, your career with the organisation or anything even remotely concerning you. Next you will realise that the reason he has graciously consented to come out for lunch with you is so that he can use you as a captive (literally!) audience to regale with his exploits and achievements. The fact that he can also hype the bill and get a re-imbursement for a ‘business lunch’ also makes it a two-birds-with-one-stone situation for him.
Even as you ponder these, you will be astounded by his seemingly in-depth grasp of the English language. At least, it will seem this way because he peppers his sentences with a wide array of bombastic words which you are not only unfamiliar with, but also are ashamed to admit that you are unfamiliar with!
Each time you go out on a lunch like this, you can comfortably expect the conversation to flow on the following lines:
BOSS: (Chomping loudly on his food.) To re-iterate, I concurred with XYZ that we all need to re-prioritise our objectives in order to ensure sustainability and implement synergies throughout the corporation.
YOU: (Trying to disappear into your glass of iced tea.) Uh-umm!
BOSS: (Still Chomping.) It’s all about productizing seamless paradigms. Unless we cultivate ubiquitous communities, we will never be able to implement strategic partnerships.
YOU: (Trying desperately to sound intelligible.) Yes! I couldn’t agree more.
BOSS: (Stopping to wave his fork at you.) And do you realise why? You stop breathing.
BOSS: (Continuing.) Because we have all failed to morph robust ROI and leverage cutting-edge infomediaries.
At this point, you pretend to choke over a fictitious lemon seed and cough your guts out. If your boss is at least part human, he will stop his ‘erudite soliloquy’ and concentrate on ‘processing his pulverised starch resource’ (mashed potatoes for you and me!)
Why do bosses and members of the senior management speak in this convoluted, jargon filled way? There’s a simple explanation – The Peter Principle. The Peter Principle defines that a person in any organisation is promoted till he/she reaches his/her level of incompetence. And what better level of incompetence does the modern enterprise have than Senior Management? Now, if the Peter Principle is true and all members of the senior management are incompetent, then it surely wouldn’t serve their purpose to display their ineptitude to the plebeian class like you and me! So they hide behind the façade of jargon (or corporate-speak as it is better known).
But don’t you worry. There’s a simple way out. If you can’t beat them, join them! Once you master the art of corporate-speak, you’ll be spouting jargon better than any blue-blooded member of management. Not only will this increase your value in the eyes of your colleagues, it will also pave the way for rapid progress up the promotion path.
Here’s how you too can out-jargonise the most jargonised employee of your organisation. First, compile three lists of certain parts of speech. All you need is lists of verbs, adjectives and nouns. For verbs, use words like aggregate, benchmark, deliver, deploy, engineer, envision, facilitate, generate, integrate, leverage, maximize, morph, productize, redefine, strategize, synergise, transform, utilize and visualize. (There are hundreds of such words. Just turn to your friendly neighbourhood dictionary for help!)
For adjectives, use words like 24/7, B2B, B2C, collaborative, cross-media, customized, dynamic, extensible, front-end, granular, holistic, integrated, leading-edge, mission-critical, open-source, pro-active, real-time, seamless, synergistic, ubiquitous, wireless etc. For nouns, use words like applications, architectures, bandwidths, convergence, deliverables, e-commerce, e-source (e-anything), functionalities, models, methodologies…. You get the drift!
Now without using your conscience or your brain, simply string one word from each of the lists to form the mother of all jargons. Hence you get phrases like ‘aggregate 24/7 applications’, ‘Benchmark B2B architectures’ and ‘deliver collaborative bandwidths’ that you can pepper your conversations with. Soon you will either find the top management dropping-by at your cubicle to spend more time with you or a well-deserved promotion coming your way.
But first, get these lists ready. And practice hard. For when you are successfully on your way to ‘incubating proactive wealth-share’, you cannot afford to be at a loss for words to show people the level of your intellect. (Peter would term it incompetence!)
Have you ever had an opportunity to go out with your boss for a lunch session? Probably not! Bosses don’t like to be seen in the company of those who earn much less than them! But if by some fluke chance – especially if your boss was in a caffeine induced haze or if the senior management suddenly declared an internal ‘Spend-time-with-the-underlings day’ – you do get to go out for lunch with him, then carefully observe his actions; and especially his words!
First and foremost, you will notice that your boss chatters nineteen-to-the-dozen about stuff that has no bearing whatsoever to your job, your career with the organisation or anything even remotely concerning you. Next you will realise that the reason he has graciously consented to come out for lunch with you is so that he can use you as a captive (literally!) audience to regale with his exploits and achievements. The fact that he can also hype the bill and get a re-imbursement for a ‘business lunch’ also makes it a two-birds-with-one-stone situation for him.
Even as you ponder these, you will be astounded by his seemingly in-depth grasp of the English language. At least, it will seem this way because he peppers his sentences with a wide array of bombastic words which you are not only unfamiliar with, but also are ashamed to admit that you are unfamiliar with!
Each time you go out on a lunch like this, you can comfortably expect the conversation to flow on the following lines:
BOSS: (Chomping loudly on his food.) To re-iterate, I concurred with XYZ that we all need to re-prioritise our objectives in order to ensure sustainability and implement synergies throughout the corporation.
YOU: (Trying to disappear into your glass of iced tea.) Uh-umm!
BOSS: (Still Chomping.) It’s all about productizing seamless paradigms. Unless we cultivate ubiquitous communities, we will never be able to implement strategic partnerships.
YOU: (Trying desperately to sound intelligible.) Yes! I couldn’t agree more.
BOSS: (Stopping to wave his fork at you.) And do you realise why? You stop breathing.
BOSS: (Continuing.) Because we have all failed to morph robust ROI and leverage cutting-edge infomediaries.
At this point, you pretend to choke over a fictitious lemon seed and cough your guts out. If your boss is at least part human, he will stop his ‘erudite soliloquy’ and concentrate on ‘processing his pulverised starch resource’ (mashed potatoes for you and me!)
Why do bosses and members of the senior management speak in this convoluted, jargon filled way? There’s a simple explanation – The Peter Principle. The Peter Principle defines that a person in any organisation is promoted till he/she reaches his/her level of incompetence. And what better level of incompetence does the modern enterprise have than Senior Management? Now, if the Peter Principle is true and all members of the senior management are incompetent, then it surely wouldn’t serve their purpose to display their ineptitude to the plebeian class like you and me! So they hide behind the façade of jargon (or corporate-speak as it is better known).
But don’t you worry. There’s a simple way out. If you can’t beat them, join them! Once you master the art of corporate-speak, you’ll be spouting jargon better than any blue-blooded member of management. Not only will this increase your value in the eyes of your colleagues, it will also pave the way for rapid progress up the promotion path.
Here’s how you too can out-jargonise the most jargonised employee of your organisation. First, compile three lists of certain parts of speech. All you need is lists of verbs, adjectives and nouns. For verbs, use words like aggregate, benchmark, deliver, deploy, engineer, envision, facilitate, generate, integrate, leverage, maximize, morph, productize, redefine, strategize, synergise, transform, utilize and visualize. (There are hundreds of such words. Just turn to your friendly neighbourhood dictionary for help!)
For adjectives, use words like 24/7, B2B, B2C, collaborative, cross-media, customized, dynamic, extensible, front-end, granular, holistic, integrated, leading-edge, mission-critical, open-source, pro-active, real-time, seamless, synergistic, ubiquitous, wireless etc. For nouns, use words like applications, architectures, bandwidths, convergence, deliverables, e-commerce, e-source (e-anything), functionalities, models, methodologies…. You get the drift!
Now without using your conscience or your brain, simply string one word from each of the lists to form the mother of all jargons. Hence you get phrases like ‘aggregate 24/7 applications’, ‘Benchmark B2B architectures’ and ‘deliver collaborative bandwidths’ that you can pepper your conversations with. Soon you will either find the top management dropping-by at your cubicle to spend more time with you or a well-deserved promotion coming your way.
But first, get these lists ready. And practice hard. For when you are successfully on your way to ‘incubating proactive wealth-share’, you cannot afford to be at a loss for words to show people the level of your intellect. (Peter would term it incompetence!)
Training sessions – Unlearning to succeed!
All this while, you’ve been plodding along blissfully, getting the job done and doing your little bit to maintain profitability. All along, you have firmly believed in the fact that the end justifies the means and have followed this adage in letter and spirit. All through, you have been patting yourself on occasions when you have deserved credit or recognition and your bosses have been too busy to notice. Till the words ‘training session’ entered the workplace to plague your life!
It’s a sad day in the life of any productive employee when the management decides to conduct something called a ‘training session’. Admittedly there are some industries, which require, and even warrant regular training sessions for up-dation of skill-sets. But it is my personal belief that for a vast majority, the training session is the means for the management to kill time and harass the lower levels of the hierarchy.
You will agree that it is not a pleasant experience to be accosted by your manager who has his hands filled with slides and a wicked twinkle in his eyes. You will also agree that this can mean only one thing – hours (or days!) spent cooped up in a claustrophobic room, while the aforementioned manager draws from his extensive repertoire of personal experience, power point presentations, OHP slides and powerful jargon to bombard you with fabulous theory of how things should work.
Unfortunately, if you and your equally tortured colleagues have learnt one thing from time, history and the failed dot com debacle it has been that theory may sound brilliant and even path-breaking on paper. But there’s a world of difference between bookish knowledge and real-world excellence. But as none of you can voice this concern without seriously compromising your employment, you grin and bear the torture like a martyr.
Emboldened by what he construes as your total commitment and favour towards the cause of professional development, your manager delves deeper into his session with gusto. His personal experiences get exaggerated by the minute. His power point sessions get more animated by the session. His OHP slides get more and more colourful. And his jargon reaches a new bombastic high forcing all of you to furtively flip through your pocket dictionaries and industry primers.
Even this is bearable. Phase two of the training sessions venture into a sadistic territory called role-play. Here is where your manager (who else!) will come up with a situation where he/she pretends to be this skinflint (what else!) customer who is trying to browbeat you into offering discounts. The un-initiated make the mistake of enthusiastically participating in these to the extent of haranguing the manager till he makes up his mind to personally flush the remainder of their careers down the drain. However, those who have had a previous taste of these sessions offer but the meekest resistance before successfully proving to the gathering that their petty, local college knowledge is no match for the manager’s B-School intellect.
If you’re confused, remember the thumb rule. Although these sessions are declared to be skill-updation workshops to give you a taste of things in the real world, they are little more than an in-house opportunity for your manager to showcase his/her superiority. By establishing his/her superiority, you are not making an ass of yourself. You are, ‘stooping to conquer’. The enthusiastic employees however have stood up, been hacked to their lowly place in the hierarchy and are successfully on their way out of the company!
Phase three, after role-play will entail having the participants (if you can term those being coerced or even threatened that!) split into groups to tackle projects or deal with case studies. On paper, this is intended to build-up teamwork and ensures the kicking-in of lateral thinking processes to solve a problem. In practice, it will have the opposite effect. It will bring to the fore all the petty, personal problems you have with the members of your team ensuring that you hate the sight of each other at the end of it all. And the best part is, no one could have come up with the right solution, pre-occupied as you were with fighting amongst yourselves! This is the ‘divide-to-rule’ policy of the manager and is meant to make his life simpler!
If you are getting depressed wondering how you can deal with a situation like this, relax! All is not lost. At the end of each training session you will be given a form to be filled wherein you can anonymously provide feedback on the session. Your manager or the person conducting the session has to submit this form to his higher-ups to keep them posted on the benefits of the activity. (This is probably the only part of the session that works practically as it does on paper. So take advantage of it!) Use the opportunity to spew venom on the manager and deride the futility of the entire exercise. That will ensure that the higher-ups think twice before giving him another opportunity.
But ensure that you don’t overdo the cribbing. For who knows? The higher-ups might just rely on the feedback to boot the manager and might pick one of you for promotion. In which case, you just might have the dis-tasteful job of conducting the next training session!
All this while, you’ve been plodding along blissfully, getting the job done and doing your little bit to maintain profitability. All along, you have firmly believed in the fact that the end justifies the means and have followed this adage in letter and spirit. All through, you have been patting yourself on occasions when you have deserved credit or recognition and your bosses have been too busy to notice. Till the words ‘training session’ entered the workplace to plague your life!
It’s a sad day in the life of any productive employee when the management decides to conduct something called a ‘training session’. Admittedly there are some industries, which require, and even warrant regular training sessions for up-dation of skill-sets. But it is my personal belief that for a vast majority, the training session is the means for the management to kill time and harass the lower levels of the hierarchy.
You will agree that it is not a pleasant experience to be accosted by your manager who has his hands filled with slides and a wicked twinkle in his eyes. You will also agree that this can mean only one thing – hours (or days!) spent cooped up in a claustrophobic room, while the aforementioned manager draws from his extensive repertoire of personal experience, power point presentations, OHP slides and powerful jargon to bombard you with fabulous theory of how things should work.
Unfortunately, if you and your equally tortured colleagues have learnt one thing from time, history and the failed dot com debacle it has been that theory may sound brilliant and even path-breaking on paper. But there’s a world of difference between bookish knowledge and real-world excellence. But as none of you can voice this concern without seriously compromising your employment, you grin and bear the torture like a martyr.
Emboldened by what he construes as your total commitment and favour towards the cause of professional development, your manager delves deeper into his session with gusto. His personal experiences get exaggerated by the minute. His power point sessions get more animated by the session. His OHP slides get more and more colourful. And his jargon reaches a new bombastic high forcing all of you to furtively flip through your pocket dictionaries and industry primers.
Even this is bearable. Phase two of the training sessions venture into a sadistic territory called role-play. Here is where your manager (who else!) will come up with a situation where he/she pretends to be this skinflint (what else!) customer who is trying to browbeat you into offering discounts. The un-initiated make the mistake of enthusiastically participating in these to the extent of haranguing the manager till he makes up his mind to personally flush the remainder of their careers down the drain. However, those who have had a previous taste of these sessions offer but the meekest resistance before successfully proving to the gathering that their petty, local college knowledge is no match for the manager’s B-School intellect.
If you’re confused, remember the thumb rule. Although these sessions are declared to be skill-updation workshops to give you a taste of things in the real world, they are little more than an in-house opportunity for your manager to showcase his/her superiority. By establishing his/her superiority, you are not making an ass of yourself. You are, ‘stooping to conquer’. The enthusiastic employees however have stood up, been hacked to their lowly place in the hierarchy and are successfully on their way out of the company!
Phase three, after role-play will entail having the participants (if you can term those being coerced or even threatened that!) split into groups to tackle projects or deal with case studies. On paper, this is intended to build-up teamwork and ensures the kicking-in of lateral thinking processes to solve a problem. In practice, it will have the opposite effect. It will bring to the fore all the petty, personal problems you have with the members of your team ensuring that you hate the sight of each other at the end of it all. And the best part is, no one could have come up with the right solution, pre-occupied as you were with fighting amongst yourselves! This is the ‘divide-to-rule’ policy of the manager and is meant to make his life simpler!
If you are getting depressed wondering how you can deal with a situation like this, relax! All is not lost. At the end of each training session you will be given a form to be filled wherein you can anonymously provide feedback on the session. Your manager or the person conducting the session has to submit this form to his higher-ups to keep them posted on the benefits of the activity. (This is probably the only part of the session that works practically as it does on paper. So take advantage of it!) Use the opportunity to spew venom on the manager and deride the futility of the entire exercise. That will ensure that the higher-ups think twice before giving him another opportunity.
But ensure that you don’t overdo the cribbing. For who knows? The higher-ups might just rely on the feedback to boot the manager and might pick one of you for promotion. In which case, you just might have the dis-tasteful job of conducting the next training session!
The Domination of your Domain
It was bound to happen some day or the other. Even as you walk-in to your office on a Monday morning, groggy after a weekend spent partying, you begin to realise that something is not quite right. Suspecting a hangover, you head for a dose of strong caffeine to help clear your head. Ah! Nothing manages to clear your head like a cup of tepid, flavourless ditchwater does.
Now sufficiently sober you head towards the water cooler to get a head start on company gossip. There are a few employees gathered there and they all start snickering as soon as they spot you. Now something is really amiss. The last time this happened, you were part of the snickering bunch. And the object of your mirth happened to be fellow employee who had lost his designated parking space! Hey! Wait a minute. Could this mean…? Fearing the worst, you quickly turn around and head back to your cubicle.
You have a new cubicle-mate.
Now you realise that you have been one of the lucky non-managers to get a non-regulation cubicle that happened to be bigger and more spacious than those of your colleagues. You were also the envy of all around because if you pulled back the blinds and craned your neck sufficiently, you could spot that bit of moss & lichen growing on the external wall. Hell! You were even prepared to share a part of your cubicle space with that attractive new secretary who just joined finance. But you surely didn’t expect to be sharing your cubicle with an inanimate, noisy Xerox machine of all things!
Welcome to the world of the corporate space crunch. Ever since management woke-up to the fascinating concept of cost cutting, they have gone overboard trying to make the most of their limited resources. At first it was salaries that went snip-snip. Next came lay-offs. (You still recall that with a shudder, don’t you?) Then it was office supplies, communication expenses, conveyance and anything else that was tangible and cost money. And finally, having run out of all avenues to affect a savings, they descended on the office space allocated to you!
Not that it can be qualified with the term ‘space’ by any stretch of the imagination. What you have right now is a plank that goes under the guise of a desk, a dated 486 that aims to convince people that you work on a computer, a telephone instrument so huge and ancient, that Graham Bell would laugh his guts out at, a lumbar support-less chair, a chest of draws with three sets of keys (none of which have succeeded in opening it) and tonnes and tonnes of files, folders, paper and buried stationery supplies (and god knows what else!). All of which lie safely ensconced in approximately five square feet of space.
The only saving grace is that your cubicle is open on one side, to enable you to enter, and has no roof. Otherwise you could probably get buried and die and nobody would be any wiser! And management would probably sell off the space to make a pile of money.
But coming back to the problem at hand, you find that you little piece of property has suddenly been invaded by a machine. You need to do something. You need to stand up for your rights. You need to tell the management once and for all that you won’t stand for such treatment.
Sadly, you realise that none of these well-intentioned plans are ever likely to work. Standing up for your rights will enable you to see across the walls of your cubicle and you just can’t stand the sight of your disgusting neighbour pick his nose, roll it into little balls and flick them into the air. Telling the management will never work. You’ll probably be demoted for being a troublemaker while the Xerox machine gets the run of your cubicle. At least, it can’t complain!
My suggestion to you under the circumstances would be to get creative. Spend a few minutes of your time creating a permanent ‘Out of order’ sign and hang it up on the machine. Some stubborn employees will still try to use it. So make it a part of your daily ritual to meddle with the innards of the machine. A few persevering employees will still call-up the maintenance man to rectify things. Persevere.
If they still insist on using the machine, make it a habit to smuggle out the toner after each refill by the maintenance man and drop it in the coffee machine. This will ensure that the machine really doesn’t work and you’ll be doing everyone a favour by adding some much-deserved colour to the ditchwater.
Hopefully, the most persistent of employees will stop using the machine after this, and you can declare it defunct, dump it in the storeroom and sit back in your lumbar support-less chair to survey your domain once again. Just remember not to lean back too much and not to have too much of that coffee!
It was bound to happen some day or the other. Even as you walk-in to your office on a Monday morning, groggy after a weekend spent partying, you begin to realise that something is not quite right. Suspecting a hangover, you head for a dose of strong caffeine to help clear your head. Ah! Nothing manages to clear your head like a cup of tepid, flavourless ditchwater does.
Now sufficiently sober you head towards the water cooler to get a head start on company gossip. There are a few employees gathered there and they all start snickering as soon as they spot you. Now something is really amiss. The last time this happened, you were part of the snickering bunch. And the object of your mirth happened to be fellow employee who had lost his designated parking space! Hey! Wait a minute. Could this mean…? Fearing the worst, you quickly turn around and head back to your cubicle.
You have a new cubicle-mate.
Now you realise that you have been one of the lucky non-managers to get a non-regulation cubicle that happened to be bigger and more spacious than those of your colleagues. You were also the envy of all around because if you pulled back the blinds and craned your neck sufficiently, you could spot that bit of moss & lichen growing on the external wall. Hell! You were even prepared to share a part of your cubicle space with that attractive new secretary who just joined finance. But you surely didn’t expect to be sharing your cubicle with an inanimate, noisy Xerox machine of all things!
Welcome to the world of the corporate space crunch. Ever since management woke-up to the fascinating concept of cost cutting, they have gone overboard trying to make the most of their limited resources. At first it was salaries that went snip-snip. Next came lay-offs. (You still recall that with a shudder, don’t you?) Then it was office supplies, communication expenses, conveyance and anything else that was tangible and cost money. And finally, having run out of all avenues to affect a savings, they descended on the office space allocated to you!
Not that it can be qualified with the term ‘space’ by any stretch of the imagination. What you have right now is a plank that goes under the guise of a desk, a dated 486 that aims to convince people that you work on a computer, a telephone instrument so huge and ancient, that Graham Bell would laugh his guts out at, a lumbar support-less chair, a chest of draws with three sets of keys (none of which have succeeded in opening it) and tonnes and tonnes of files, folders, paper and buried stationery supplies (and god knows what else!). All of which lie safely ensconced in approximately five square feet of space.
The only saving grace is that your cubicle is open on one side, to enable you to enter, and has no roof. Otherwise you could probably get buried and die and nobody would be any wiser! And management would probably sell off the space to make a pile of money.
But coming back to the problem at hand, you find that you little piece of property has suddenly been invaded by a machine. You need to do something. You need to stand up for your rights. You need to tell the management once and for all that you won’t stand for such treatment.
Sadly, you realise that none of these well-intentioned plans are ever likely to work. Standing up for your rights will enable you to see across the walls of your cubicle and you just can’t stand the sight of your disgusting neighbour pick his nose, roll it into little balls and flick them into the air. Telling the management will never work. You’ll probably be demoted for being a troublemaker while the Xerox machine gets the run of your cubicle. At least, it can’t complain!
My suggestion to you under the circumstances would be to get creative. Spend a few minutes of your time creating a permanent ‘Out of order’ sign and hang it up on the machine. Some stubborn employees will still try to use it. So make it a part of your daily ritual to meddle with the innards of the machine. A few persevering employees will still call-up the maintenance man to rectify things. Persevere.
If they still insist on using the machine, make it a habit to smuggle out the toner after each refill by the maintenance man and drop it in the coffee machine. This will ensure that the machine really doesn’t work and you’ll be doing everyone a favour by adding some much-deserved colour to the ditchwater.
Hopefully, the most persistent of employees will stop using the machine after this, and you can declare it defunct, dump it in the storeroom and sit back in your lumbar support-less chair to survey your domain once again. Just remember not to lean back too much and not to have too much of that coffee!
What HR Ads say – and what they really mean!
Ever wondered why appointment advertisements read the way they do? What do all those fancy terms really mean? Is there more to a recruitment advertisement than meets the eye? Well, I’ll let you in onto a little secret. Recruitment advertising is an elaborate charade and unless you’re cued in to HR-speak, you are unlikely to ever land a proper job.
Here’s a brief guide that provides you with the true, between-the-lines meanings of often-used phrases. Get to know them all. They may be of immense help to you when you decide to navigate the murky and deceptively simple world of recruitment advertising.
IT Powerhouse
We are actually called Acme Mouse-pad Manufacturing Company, but hey! Every computer needs a mouse-pad. Microsoft is bound to realise this some day and give us a humungous order.
Multinational Market-leader
We are based out of Bangalore and have branches in places like Karnal, Dinajpur, Gudem, Vapi and Pondicherry. After all, Dakshin Dinajpur is practically in Bangladesh and Pondicherry is a former French colony.
Entry Level Requirement
You will be paid peanuts and made to do all the dirty work. We are actually looking for a courier boy, but even they have standards and wouldn’t condescend to look at the amount we are offering. And ‘Executive’ will sound so much better on your visiting card!
Entry-level position in an up-and-coming company
Join us in a miserable job where you do all the dirty work and get paid peanuts. If we ever make it big (hah!), we’ll upgrade your salary to subsistence level pay. If you’re lucky, we’ll still be in business a year down the line.
Urgent Requirement
The previous person is serving the last day of his notice period. We forgot all about it and are now in a frenzy to hire! The first person to come will get the job!!
Must be deadline oriented
There’s a tremendous backlog of work that we expect you to clear within a couple of days of joining.
Must be a team player
You should be able to do all your work, your boss’ work and the work of some of your brown-nosed colleagues. If you crib, we’ll fire you for not being a team player.
Flexible work hours
You should be flexible enough to work for 80 hours and get paid for 40.
Some overtime required
Same time each day and some time during the weekends. Don’t expect to get paid for it. If you whine, you’re fired.
Duties may vary
We don’t have a job description for you at this point. We find that this works best when we need to thrust more work upon you. This way, anyone in the office can boss over you.
At a fast paced environment
We expect you to introduce yourself to others once you join. We have no time or money to invest in costly induction programs. Adapt quickly or become extinct.
Fun Work Environment
Your colleagues will be insulted if you don’t drink with them. They will be offended if you don’t foot the bill. They believe in having fun at your expense.
Professional Atmosphere
You need to come to work in stuffy black suits, no matter what the temperature. We all walk around looking like over-stuffed penguins. Senior management members get to dress in grey.
Competitive Environment
We have a lot of turnover. After some time here, our employees prefer working with the competition that offers better pay and perks.
Competitive Salary
We are in business because we pay lesser than the competition. After all, you have to cut costs somewhere!
Other benefits
You get two cups of tepid ditchwater in the guise of coffee, all the water you can drink and all the air you can breathe. The restroom services are (mostly) available free of cost. As is the toilet paper!
Range of benefits
In addition to all the above, we cut a chunk of your salary (your contribution and ours) under the pretext of PF. We provide Insurance, but you pay the premium. Dental insurance is provided only when a Senior Management Member knocks out your teeth.
Apply in person
If you’re fat, old, balding, ugly or generally not pleasing to the eye, we can tell you that the position has been filled.
Alternatively, mail your resume
We’ve actually filled the job with our Senior Vice President’s second-wife’s brother-in-law. Our call for applications is just a legal formality to dispel any suspicion of favouritism.
So there! That forms a brief list of terms you need to be wary about. I’m pretty sure you have your own list. Feel free to compile them and send them across for the greater common good of the job seeking community
Ever wondered why appointment advertisements read the way they do? What do all those fancy terms really mean? Is there more to a recruitment advertisement than meets the eye? Well, I’ll let you in onto a little secret. Recruitment advertising is an elaborate charade and unless you’re cued in to HR-speak, you are unlikely to ever land a proper job.
Here’s a brief guide that provides you with the true, between-the-lines meanings of often-used phrases. Get to know them all. They may be of immense help to you when you decide to navigate the murky and deceptively simple world of recruitment advertising.
IT Powerhouse
We are actually called Acme Mouse-pad Manufacturing Company, but hey! Every computer needs a mouse-pad. Microsoft is bound to realise this some day and give us a humungous order.
Multinational Market-leader
We are based out of Bangalore and have branches in places like Karnal, Dinajpur, Gudem, Vapi and Pondicherry. After all, Dakshin Dinajpur is practically in Bangladesh and Pondicherry is a former French colony.
Entry Level Requirement
You will be paid peanuts and made to do all the dirty work. We are actually looking for a courier boy, but even they have standards and wouldn’t condescend to look at the amount we are offering. And ‘Executive’ will sound so much better on your visiting card!
Entry-level position in an up-and-coming company
Join us in a miserable job where you do all the dirty work and get paid peanuts. If we ever make it big (hah!), we’ll upgrade your salary to subsistence level pay. If you’re lucky, we’ll still be in business a year down the line.
Urgent Requirement
The previous person is serving the last day of his notice period. We forgot all about it and are now in a frenzy to hire! The first person to come will get the job!!
Must be deadline oriented
There’s a tremendous backlog of work that we expect you to clear within a couple of days of joining.
Must be a team player
You should be able to do all your work, your boss’ work and the work of some of your brown-nosed colleagues. If you crib, we’ll fire you for not being a team player.
Flexible work hours
You should be flexible enough to work for 80 hours and get paid for 40.
Some overtime required
Same time each day and some time during the weekends. Don’t expect to get paid for it. If you whine, you’re fired.
Duties may vary
We don’t have a job description for you at this point. We find that this works best when we need to thrust more work upon you. This way, anyone in the office can boss over you.
At a fast paced environment
We expect you to introduce yourself to others once you join. We have no time or money to invest in costly induction programs. Adapt quickly or become extinct.
Fun Work Environment
Your colleagues will be insulted if you don’t drink with them. They will be offended if you don’t foot the bill. They believe in having fun at your expense.
Professional Atmosphere
You need to come to work in stuffy black suits, no matter what the temperature. We all walk around looking like over-stuffed penguins. Senior management members get to dress in grey.
Competitive Environment
We have a lot of turnover. After some time here, our employees prefer working with the competition that offers better pay and perks.
Competitive Salary
We are in business because we pay lesser than the competition. After all, you have to cut costs somewhere!
Other benefits
You get two cups of tepid ditchwater in the guise of coffee, all the water you can drink and all the air you can breathe. The restroom services are (mostly) available free of cost. As is the toilet paper!
Range of benefits
In addition to all the above, we cut a chunk of your salary (your contribution and ours) under the pretext of PF. We provide Insurance, but you pay the premium. Dental insurance is provided only when a Senior Management Member knocks out your teeth.
Apply in person
If you’re fat, old, balding, ugly or generally not pleasing to the eye, we can tell you that the position has been filled.
Alternatively, mail your resume
We’ve actually filled the job with our Senior Vice President’s second-wife’s brother-in-law. Our call for applications is just a legal formality to dispel any suspicion of favouritism.
So there! That forms a brief list of terms you need to be wary about. I’m pretty sure you have your own list. Feel free to compile them and send them across for the greater common good of the job seeking community
